Gorgeous Girl #1: Ugh! I hate all the guys at this school! They're all such tools!
Gorgeous Girl #2: Me too! Except for that one guy....Will Dantzler. He's so dreamy!
Girl #1: Like omg! I totally know, right?! It's like he's the only boy who understands us! I want to marry a man like him, but he's so far out of our league!
Girl #2: Be that as it may, we can still gaze wistfully at him. He's just so adorable! I love his noble, Roman-esque nose and his chiseled, rippling physique! I have to try so hard to keep myself from looking at him all class.
Girl #1: I know what you mean! He's just such an interesting person. Yesterday in English, he used the word chthonic correctly in a sentence and my heart melted!
Girl #2: Today in theology he told the funniest joke! Who was the best financier in the Bible?
Girl #1: I don't know! Who?!
Girl #2: Noah. He was floating his stock while everybody else was in liquidation!
Girls #1 and 2: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Girl #1: Will's just so sweet and sensitive, not to mention a phenomenal athlete. Did you know he's on the football team?
Girl #2: Yeah, but I heard mean old Coach Cantey wouldn't let Will play because he's just too darn good. They had to give the other teams a chance, you know?
Girl #1: Yeah. I also heard that Will created a highly complex and developed fantasy world of his very own and that he was once able to speak Elvish!
Girl #2: No way! That's soooooo hot! The other day, I saw him pump ketchup into the front pouch of his hoodie. He was so cute while he ate it in math class that I couldn't tear my eyes away!
(Dim-witted Thug approaches Gorgeous Girls #1 and 2)
Dim-witted Thug: Grunt! Me heard you talking about Will Dantzler! Me bigger and stronger than him!
Girl #1: You're just jealous of how dreamy he is and how much better he is at life than you are!
Girl #2: Yeah! He could easily outsmart you as well as overcome you in any contest of athletic ability! And now that he bought Master Kim's "Teach Yourself Kung Fu" video collection for just $14.99 he could quite certainly kick your sorry posterior! Now withdraw, you fiend!
Dim-witted Thug: Grunt! You right! Me just jealous of how awesome him is. Me go ask him to come to me beer bash on Friday. Him so funny him life of party!
Girl #1: Golly, I wish Will would ask me to the prom! I've already turned down fourteen other guys because I've been holding out for him!
Girl #2: Me too! I've already turned down seventeen! You know, I can't stand being without him for another second! I'm going to go ask him to run away with me!
Girl #1: Not if I ask him first!
(Gorgeous Girls #1 and 2 promptly engage in a mortal cat fight)
REALITY
Girl #1: Who's that weird guy who keeps staring at us?
Girl #2: I don't know. I think he's that loser who wrote the book.
No comments:
Post a Comment